De-ja-vu and Crossword Puzzles

I have so much to say.

First, that today I was doing a crossword puzzle (Am I a geeky crossword-puzzle player? Yes, yes, I am.), the clue was 'Praise'. It was a four letter word and the last three letters were A, U, and D. So, I thought to myself "Praise...?" and the answer came, "God". I'm so happy he's penetrated my life enough that I would receive that answer.

Which reminds me of a joke. "A Sunday school teacher was telling her students the story of Noah's Ark. She was describing all the animals in turn. 'There was a great, big, gray thing with a long snout and huge ears. Rachel, what was it?' and the child she asked would say, 'an elephant!'. Sammy came in late, just as the teacher said, 'a gray and white animal with a long furry tail. Sammy, what was it?' He answered, 'I know the answer's Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel.'." That was horribly told.

Back to the point. Recently I've been having huge symptoms of de-ja-vu. But it isn't exactly the same because de-ja-vu is 'disagreeable familiarity or sameness', or, as I say it, experimenting something for the first time and feeling like you've experienced it before. But what's been happening to me is experiencing something and knowing that I've experienced it before. It's eerie, it's scary, and I only have a slight memory of it. But I hate it.

I was thinking about something, a dream I remembered happening, and Brina walked in, said something, and left. Immediately after I realized that the entire thing had already happened before, down to the exact thoughts that I'd had.

On Monday night, I contemplated infinity.

I don't normally think about things that unfathomable, but we were stuck in traffic.

As un-deep as that explanation sounds, it really comes down to memories of a deep fear of mine.

Fear of infinity. Fear of crowds. Fear of being stuck somewhere until forever. Fear of the cold death that creeps up and inhabits me forever. Something that consumes all of time. Fear of infinity.

I was remembering Aquire the Fire. It sounds so childish a fear, but I felt like I was suffocating, yet I could still breathe. I have blessed the one caring human in that crowd of Christians so many times. So many times. If she hadn't come I would've been crushed.

Maybe not physically, but I wouldn't have recover for a long time.

I just can't believe that everyone who was once praising God and feeling love for the world, donating to share the Word, could turn into monsters the moment they could have a bathroom break. Only a few people could retain love even a few minutes after the event ended. I thank them with all my heart.

Infinity is outside of time. People think of it inside of time way too much. You don't remember 'before' in infinity. It is truly endless. People picture infinity as hour after hour after hour after hour e.t.c. But they're wrong. They think the worst thing would be endless time, but no time is worse. You can't think of the future when you are stuck in infinity. You can't think of the past. There is only a single thought revolving in your head. That is all. Infinity and sleep are both outside of time.

Infinity with a tiny bit of bad is a Hell. Infinity with a tiny bit of good is a Heaven. That is infinity. Infinity is extreme. Infinity is imposing. And infinity cannot be described nor can it be comprehended.

It is my personal theory that Heaven is God. I wouldn't put it past him. The only infinity I ever want to be in is God.

Today is a Good Day To Live

I had a great day today.

Normally, I judge my day by how many things go my way, and when things go wrong, I usually get mad. But this time I'm glad that my song didn't turn out sad.

That is lyrics to the song So Much for my Sad Song, but it fits today perfectly. We do judge our days by how we want them to go. We do decide whether it's good or bad by ourselves.

The day started well. No, it started perfectly. It's like when you play a piano piece perfectly and effortlessly, when your fingers take over and you are free to float with the music, like when you finally play that note quick enough.

Brina and I made breakfast. I got up after devotions and said, "I'm gonna make pancakes."
Originally it was only for me, then Brina wanted some, so we started to make them. I've always loved cooking with Brina, because we are so synchronized and we can work together perfectly. Making the pancakes was fun enough, but I wanted to dance when I looked out of the kitchen and saw the family all eating pancakes and chatting.

Our family only has breakfast on holidays when we plan stuff. It's not easy to gather the family, wake them up, and prepare something for that many people. And I'm cool with that. I'd rather eat when I want to and start school early most of the time.

But the moment I saw them at the table, pouring syrup on pancakes and pouring tea into their cups, I thought of God's promise to Abraham, "I will bless you and make you a blessing."

I realized that the pancakes Brina and I had made were bringing the family together for breakfast. They all sat down, they all ate, and they were all blessed. I'm not trying to make myself look good, because I never think this way, but I was so happy seeing people blessed by something I did.

I've been thanking God all day. I've been praising him all the time. I've been smiling so hard my jaw aches. And I've been happy.

God is not a god of weeping, of mourning. He is a god of happiness and rejoicing.

A year ago, the most emotional thing in church for me would've been the time I cried thinking of Jesus' death for my sins.

The most emotional thing now is the joy and happiness whenever I remember God. And it is so much more than the god of sorrow I was worshipping then. Now I worship the god of life, love, and joy because He is the only wise god.

Worship God with everything you have because you love him, not because you owe him.

Blame Jessica

So, I have an answer to the world's problems. All fighting will cease, and all people will become kind, if they just wear huge tie-dye sweaters. Libya won't be a problem anymore because all the rebels will become obsessed with their awesome-possum sweaters and say 'oh, yeah. We should be free, but I don't care that much, because this sweater is comfy.'

The back story behind this post: On Friday night, I leant Jessica my huge tie-dye sweater. She LOVED it. She was dancing and laughing and being less anti-photo than usual. At once I could tell that the sweater was helping her become a hippie. Therefore, if everyone wears them, everyone will be happy.

Can I just say, Aquire the Fire (or Choir of the Fire) was AWESOME? Because it was. I've decided that (whether she likes it or not) Emily is coming next year. I didn't really want to recommend it if I hadn't gone, though, so she didn't come this time. It was amazing. Thanks to my older brothers and sisters for looking out for me, 'cuz otherwise I think I'd still be lost in a thick crowd of pushy Christians.

I have a favorite artist now, called Jimmy Needham, and he looks like Gilbert Blythe. I think I'll end with that odd observation. (But honestly, the second I saw him I said 'wow, that guy looks like Gilbert!')

A Choir of the Fire

I wonder what that would sound like... Fwoosh! Scream! BURN! Okay...well...then...that is kinda dark and creepy.

Actually, the name is 'Aquire the Fire' (no one comment Wooo! Aquire the fire! please, because I will delete it), I almost wasn't going. I have a terribly sore throat. It's miserable, but I am going anyway (no one come near me). I am making chocolate chip cookies with Brina for the kids, so you guys (in the van) can be happily coated in melted chocolate disgustingness (I don't like the chocolate). I am very excited for a weekend spent with God. You can tell.

My brother asked me which one I'd rather had, begging me to stay, "Would you rather party with me or with Josh?" I answered, "I'd rather party with God than with you." I know this seems a bit too harsh to him, but it is truth. I want to worship God and know him more. I want to love him.

I was worshiping last week (First Friday rocks!) and it was amazing. For once in my life I realized that I was loving him and giving my life to him, not because I owe him, but because I want him. I want him so bad, it is CRAZY! Whenever I read my Bible at night, I want to keep reading. Whenever I start chording Mighty to Save, I want to sing along, but realize that I might disturb my Ipod-obsessed siblings. And, most small, but most important, whenever I think about God I smile. Because when you love someone they are all you want and it excites you thinking about them. When someone insults them you want to tell them everything they are missing and crush them into the ground. You want to protect them. You want them to love you back.

But with God, you can just drown in his love and in your love for him. You can immerse yourself until everything dies. You can cry with love. You can scream with love. You can whisper with love. And you can love with love.

A lot of what I say is something we've already heard a million times, but trust me when I say it is completely my own. It is my own relationship with God and it is unique. And, goodness, I can not wait to love him, I can't wait to be loving him, and I can't wait to fall to pieces under his ocean of love.

Quote

I just felt like sharing this quote (this should testify to my boring life). I wrote it a while back when I was feeling (don't hate me for making a pun) dreamy. These times come VERY rarely, and everything I write in them is either stupid and sappy or marvelous.

When you dream, that dream fills your life, your soul, and your mind. If you worry,
dreaming of everything that could go wrong, your life will become a nightmare. So dream what comes naturally, let it fill you, then release it to the world.

Soon, there shall be more of Rescue to read, if you can stand reading my cheesy 'soldier comes home' story.