I have so much to say.
First, that today I was doing a crossword puzzle (Am I a geeky crossword-puzzle player? Yes, yes, I am.), the clue was 'Praise'. It was a four letter word and the last three letters were A, U, and D. So, I thought to myself "Praise...?" and the answer came, "God". I'm so happy he's penetrated my life enough that I would receive that answer.
Which reminds me of a joke. "A Sunday school teacher was telling her students the story of Noah's Ark. She was describing all the animals in turn. 'There was a great, big, gray thing with a long snout and huge ears. Rachel, what was it?' and the child she asked would say, 'an elephant!'. Sammy came in late, just as the teacher said, 'a gray and white animal with a long furry tail. Sammy, what was it?' He answered, 'I know the answer's Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel.'." That was horribly told.
Back to the point. Recently I've been having huge symptoms of de-ja-vu. But it isn't exactly the same because de-ja-vu is 'disagreeable familiarity or sameness', or, as I say it, experimenting something for the first time and feeling like you've experienced it before. But what's been happening to me is experiencing something and knowing that I've experienced it before. It's eerie, it's scary, and I only have a slight memory of it. But I hate it.
I was thinking about something, a dream I remembered happening, and Brina walked in, said something, and left. Immediately after I realized that the entire thing had already happened before, down to the exact thoughts that I'd had.
On Monday night, I contemplated infinity.
I don't normally think about things that unfathomable, but we were stuck in traffic.
As un-deep as that explanation sounds, it really comes down to memories of a deep fear of mine.
Fear of infinity. Fear of crowds. Fear of being stuck somewhere until forever. Fear of the cold death that creeps up and inhabits me forever. Something that consumes all of time. Fear of infinity.
I was remembering Aquire the Fire. It sounds so childish a fear, but I felt like I was suffocating, yet I could still breathe. I have blessed the one caring human in that crowd of Christians so many times. So many times. If she hadn't come I would've been crushed.
Maybe not physically, but I wouldn't have recover for a long time.
I just can't believe that everyone who was once praising God and feeling love for the world, donating to share the Word, could turn into monsters the moment they could have a bathroom break. Only a few people could retain love even a few minutes after the event ended. I thank them with all my heart.
Infinity is outside of time. People think of it inside of time way too much. You don't remember 'before' in infinity. It is truly endless. People picture infinity as hour after hour after hour after hour e.t.c. But they're wrong. They think the worst thing would be endless time, but no time is worse. You can't think of the future when you are stuck in infinity. You can't think of the past. There is only a single thought revolving in your head. That is all. Infinity and sleep are both outside of time.
Infinity with a tiny bit of bad is a Hell. Infinity with a tiny bit of good is a Heaven. That is infinity. Infinity is extreme. Infinity is imposing. And infinity cannot be described nor can it be comprehended.
It is my personal theory that Heaven is God. I wouldn't put it past him. The only infinity I ever want to be in is God.
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